Being A Mom

Monday, April 21, 2008

Why doesn't anyone tell you how badly it can hurt to be a mom some days? I feel so sad for everything that is happening with Caleb. I feel like I was lied to and deceived and tricked into allowing him to stay behind with his dad in FL. I have such a bad taste in my mouth.

I feel totally helpless and alone in my journey to save Caleb from all the chaos he's trapped in. His grades are falling to D's and he's been to the Principals office for misbehaving in school. My gut tells me that things are seriously a mess with his living arrangements and I just continue to pray to GOD that he guides me and helps me to figure all of this out.

His father is blinded by his addiction and selfishness and if things continue, it will be my sons downfall. I lose sleep every night with the thought of where Caleb could be headed. The trend is not looking promising to me. There's no more church, no more step mom to help with homework and just general parenting skills that are integral to my sons development.

I see the boys at church and in our community and I see the benefit for my son. I wish he could just be a part of all the greatness here in our small town. I would love to be able to send him and Chaz off for a fun football weekend. I would love for him to be here to take trips with us to Franklin and Raleigh.

I would give anything to have my family whole again. I pray every night and I am trusting that everything that's happening is part of HIS plan and I just have to trust. I pray every night that however things should be, things are in the best interest for Caleb. I just want him to shine. I want the world to know the magic that lies behind his beautiful blue eyes. I want his little brothers to see the big brother that encourages them to respect others, speak politely and have a positive outlook. I just want things to be right.

Tonight I realize that I have to let go. I can't force it to happen and my faith is going to have to get me through this. It does give me peace and helps me to relax some. I pray that God helps and puts Caleb back on track. Please God.